No, I'm not going to be romantic and
talk about love and feelings, and I'm neither going to spread rumors
about me or my friends. But I must write about it, especially in a
traveller blog, because all of “international” people know pretty
well what I am talking about.
N.B. This post has been written while I
was waiting for him to log into skype. Typical behaviour of a person
who's into a distance relation.
I will introduce the topic translating
from uncyclopedia:
She “hug me, honey”
He “okay, I'll catch the plane”
“A distance relation is a very
dangerous virus able to turn its victims into weak and submissive.
The ill person drives himself to selfdestruction until the moment
when he will be able to meet his partner. In the meantime his life
goes on by the force of habit and he feeds himself with the minimum
required to stay alive and moisturized in oder to be able to have a
pleasant phone call. A 12 hours long phone call.
Distance relations have both pros and
cons. Pros are reciprocate trust, and cons the absence of a physical
contact (therefore sexual absitence). Its effects could be loss of
weight, erectile disfunction, insomnia, night howling, loss of any
reasonable human activity, rise of phone calls, sms, emails, and use
of psycotropic drugs.
When a person starts a distance
relation, his life changes relentlessly: in just 72 hours he can
learn by heart all arrival/departure times of trains, planes,
submarines which could in some way take him close to his partner.
The social life of this unfortunate guy
dies completely, while his closest relation is with his phone (which,
in the moments of highest usage reaches 72°C, warping). Other sad
point: economy, the cheapest phone bill can reach more or less 16'000
€ per month. He will comfortably pay by 2'000 $ installments per
day. All of this, for the love of his distance partner.”
-------------
I have many friends who are in a
distance relation. Some have been into it for more than a year.
Before being myself into one, I used to
think that it was somehow beautiful, because yes you are alone, but
you know that there is someone there for you, someone who loves you,
who cares, who wants to know all about your day, your thoughts... The
person is not by your side, but still, he's always with you.
Furthermore, I grew up watching
beautiful blond Germans on holidays in Italy, as a very young girl I
dreamed about having a relation with someone like that...
A distance relation is surely
impossible to avoid when you live abroad for a while: you meet a lot
of people, you expect to have relations. But, perhaps, you expect to
have meaningless relations, because you know it will be limited to
the time that you will spend in that country. You convince yourself
that it's going to be meaningless, and when you'll change country you
will say goodbye to him and tell him he was just a very good friend,
we had a great time and we will remember the things we've done with a
smile on our face. Oh you can come visit me whenever you want, it
will be nice to see you again, you were a very good friend. OH
PLEASE.
Most of people who are “out” of the
situation, they think so. And this is what they told me. I imagined
myself saying “you were a very good friend, we had a...”and I
wanted to kill myself just because I imagined that shit.
But really, I thought I could manage
it, the world is full of people, and love does not exist, kiss
goodbye and I hope you'll have a nice life. Step towards to him, he's
looking at you, in the eyes. His look is enough: you're not gonna
tell him. Maybe tomorrow.
You spend an awful night, full of
thoughts. What if I, what if you, and what was my model of a perfect
man, doesn't it match you? You wake up, confused. Eventually hiding
your face because you're crying. You're helping him to carry his bag
to the train that will take him to the airport. You look at the
railway, the bags, the timetable, and something bigger than you takes
possession. You're crying and you cannot control that. You watch your
story like a movie, when we met, the time we spent together, and the
spider you killed in my room this morning. You look at him and you
want to tell him that you will meet again soon, whatever happens I
don't care, I just want you. But his train is there, and he's giving
you a goodbye kiss. Your mind is blank and no words come out of your
mouth. You look at him getting in the train, your eyes are wide open,
the train goes and he fades away.
So you look at the pavement, and hide
your face among your hair. Back home you're in the shower, crying
like insane. You think he doesn't want to be in a relation with you,
he thinks you don't want to be in a relation with him.
One of the two makes a move, they both
tease each other until someone says “I can leave it all, to be with
you” and an endless planning has just begun.
Here the most common words when in a
distance relation:
- Ryanair/Easyjet flight;
- Sorry my internet fell;
- Will you be online later?
- Can you hear/see me? (skype)
- What does it mean? (most of distance relation also mean different languages)
Very common is also “misunderstanding”.
Two people are communicating while they are listening to
music/watching a movie/feeding their cat/talking with their grandma
in a language that one of them doesn't know... Misunderstanding is
unevitable.
If you were someone who used the social
networks just once a day to check your emails, you quickly turn into
a facebook-addict with your eyes on the chat waiting for the green
traffic light to appear close to his name. If your partner's name is
Nick, expect to contact Mary, Olli, Natalia and anyone who's close to
his name by mistake.
- “Hey darling! Last night I dreamed
we had such a wild sex...”
- “Hey, it's Natalia, your classmate
from elementary school...”
- “Ops. Sorry.”
Yes, you will be online anytime it's
possible, you will install any existing social network on your
computer, on your mobile, on your mp3-player. Most of the time you
will be talking shit with your partner, but that shit often makes
your day.
Some old friend could invite you to a
party, but you have a skype-date.
Your mother could call you in the
kitchen, but you are too busy writing him all about your plans for
the future.
You basically share your life between 2
different universes, real life, and virtual life. Everybody starts
thinking you have become a nerd, your computer melts, for its high
temperature you carry some hamburger and cook them on it. Your
keyboard starts missworking because of the food crumbs...
Your webcam is always on. Oh look my
dog is here. Oh look my new t-shirt. Oh look my new hair. Your
parents/flatmates will come multiple times asking you about your
mental health and if you were talking to your own self.
Sometimes you go out with your friends,
and you see couples. You think that they don't know how lucky they
are to be together so much time. At the same time, your friends call
you lucky because you don't need to shave/make up/have good hair when
your partner is on the other side of the sea/planet. Some call you
lucky because you can cheat anytime and nobody will see. In fact, you
will meet tones of guys who will remind you that if you sleep with
them he will never never know. They will also kindly convince you
that, because of the distance, he probably has already cheated on you
multiple times.
For such situation there are two ways:
1- a kind goodbye ;
2- a warm fuck off .
When you have a
distance relation, your favorite websites are ryanair, railways,
skyscanner (not to mention facebook, g+, twitter, blablabla), you're
continously planning a trip.
You make your bag
and depart, or he does. You meet him at the airport and you are like
a dead person. Stunned. You drive him home and you can't look at the
street because you're still looking at him, stunned, you never saw
him in your car, you never saw him in your house, in you city, you
are 24 hours stunned. One of the two will be so stunned to the point
to look the other person while sleeping, this person will wake up and
shout for the fright.
You have a great
time, you finally experience life together again, and when you look
at yourself in the mirror, satisfied by what you did, he's already
putting his bag into your car. You drive him to the airport, and the
motherfucking radio plays songs like “Always” by Bon Jovy... You
drive slowly, you take wrong streets, you enter the airport hoping
that the flight is hopelessly canceled. He walks to the gate, you
remember when he first left, you remember he was there just
temporary, and you realise that you haven't been on facebook 1 whole
week, and you know it will be the first thing you'll check when
you'll be back home.
He's gone, and
you're driving like crazy, 130 km/h with your car which is no
Ferrary, it looks more like a tampax-box.
At home your room looks so big for one
person only. It really looks empty. The most beautiful piece of the
room has gone away. You check facebook, to see if he is back home,
and you, moved by an unknown force, are buying a plane ticket to his
country. Missing him one hour is already a good reason to spend 50€
for a flight.
Months of facebook, videocalls,
misunderstandings, postcards and finally you have a job. He can move
with you. You plan everything down to details, even if he's actually
coming in 4 months, you already know what you will be wearing, what
you will eat and how the weather will be like that day. You are
actually able to stop the rain, if necessary.
You are so happy, that you still cannot
believe in it. Therefore, everyday you will ask “so, when are you
coming? And is it for real?”.
Then the day arrives, he's at your
door, and he opens it with his keys. All those months of missing each
other, feeling alone, feeling lost, melting 4 computers and spending
500€ on your phone are just a memory. The waiting is finished. You
are a normal couple.
Maybe not really “normal”.
You appreciate more the times together,
and most of all you have way more trust and you are really determined
to stay together.
Because nobody is in a distance
relation “for the freedom of cheating/not having to shave”.
People who are in a distance relation get crazy and fight for their
relation because they really want to be together, and even if they
are surrounded by a million people they don't care and they want to
be with that one person. Because that person is the only one who's
worth.
I don't mind waiting, going crazy,
spending whole days at the computer, and I don't mind missing that
person. I know it's temporary and finally in one month I'm going to
get the best prize I can get.
Therefore all I can advice is to follow your dreams if you really care, and not give up just because of some tousand kilometers. Distance is only temporary, while true happiness could last longer. This is the way to be invincible Muse - Invincible .
And what happens next? I don't know
yet! But I'm pretty sure that soon in the mailbox ther will be cards
from Facebook/Skype/Ryanair asking where have you gone and how bad
their business goes now that the couple is finally united. ;D
