Tired. That's the right word to
describe me during my post-graduation period. And I am not talking
about physical tiredness- I am talking about exhaustion, I am talking
about when you just cannot take it anymore. I cannot stand this
people, this society, these rules, this time, this everything. I do
not feel like living, I rather stay in bed avoiding any type of
contact to the society.
Then on one day I decide that I cannot
stand this way of not living anymore, this wasting of days away.
Pretty sure of my skills I get on a plane, heading north to an
indefinite place. For a few days the place is Vienna where I have
some embarassing work interviews (resuming my life in 5 minutes and
in 2 languages in front of an audience, role playing, culture tests).
Vienna means to me such an incredibly happy past that unfortunatelly
will never ever be back. Erasmus is just one, you do it, it ends and
does not come back but still it keeps living inside of you in every
moment, forever. Each single corner of Vienna reminds me of the past,
but that's not what I am looking for. I am looking for the future. I
get on a train to Munich, my suitcase is so heavy, it almost breaks.
I am thinking about my departure, again. Well, it was so short I
cannot remember much, it's just me in Rome Fiumicino, a short waiting
and a short flight. A goodbye to my parents without any clue abou
when I was going to see them again, a suitcase with some winter
clothes, but also summer clothes. Stuff that would be ok in the
north, but also in the south. I didn't know where I was going to end
up, heading north, then down, then east, the west, it will all depend
on the place where I will be able to get a job and pick up the chance
to start again depending completely on myself.
I arrive in Munich, I buy a sandwich
and the clerk doesn't really get my German, I feel demotivated. I
look for my hostel, Goetheplatz. I have been reading Goethe since I
was 16, and now I am at his square...
At the hostel, the receptionist is a
young Italian girl, this gives me some hope! But there's no internet
in the hostel, that's really bad as it forces to me to go to the near
McDonald, aparently for a coffee, but actually to use 40 minute free
internet for my house hunting. I visit flats and get a room in one
for one month. One month that will be spent having work interviews
and feeling quite alone. Entire days sending my CVs and chatting with
my friends. Small trial periods at work, successfully payed, but
still insuccessfully unemployed. My German improves, and I start to
get to know people. Erasmus and local people. Many compatriots too.
Mostly people who came and went, friends that you quickly switch,
names on your telephone list who you are looking at now and cannot
recall who the hell they are.
The first month is finished and I am
packing. I am not leaving, I have only a little money left but
thinking about the desolation waiting for me at home I prefer to move
to another flat, one more month here in Munich. When you don't have a
job you cannot aspire to a longer rent. However, I feel that I am not
going to leave Munich, I feel that here I have quite a few chances to
make it. I compare my dialy work interviews to my daily long sleeps
of when I lived at my parents' house. Yes, I definitely have quite a
few chances here.
A look to the calendar, it has been a
month and one week since I moved here, that's a lot. I think about
leaving Munich but that's not what I really want to. I still haven't
got to know the city, I cannot leave now. I send my CV to a place
where I already did as I arrived in Germany. I don't really care if
they told me they're interested and they will let me know as soon as
possible... After 10 minutes I get an invitation from them to an
interview. I am angry, I just had an interview at the Best Western
where two girls refused me for not having the skills I claimed I had.
I could accept such critics from someone much more skilled than me,
but two idiots who barely speak their native language and some school
level English are not permitted to do that to me. I guess that people
take my silence as an inability of speaking. But I am just a quite
person instead.
At my next work interview, instead, I
speak to the owner, impressed by CV he just lets me speak, he does
not ask the typical shit I was used to be asked (your pros and cons,
how would a friend describe you in 5 words, do you believe in true
love). I think that the main problem with these work interviews is
that people just don't know how to analyze people. Why are you asking
me so much bullshit instead of discussing my skills, experiences and
ideas?
The interview seemed to me quite good,
he says he will call me tomorrow. Tomorrow he doesn't call me, in the
night he sends me an e-mail telling me I am hired. I am not going
back home as a loser, yay. Happiness.
A new flat, money, bank account and
contracts. I suddenly feel old, too many responsabolities, all of
them at the same time, I feel that a crisis is approaching me. I feel
in chains. This bureacracy does not let me stay free, I cannot have
free days if I haven't communicated that in advance, I only have 24
day holidays per year, I work in the weekends when everyone else is
having fun. I also work on the 1st of May. That hurts!
Less freedom, and slaved by my work.
And it rains all the time. But I do have fun at work, I get to know
people, I make friends, and then they're quickly gone. A costant
feature which accompanies my life since the very beginning. The
happines generated by the new life has to face the chains setted by
my work. Some days I feel so tired (physically, this time) that I
just sleep, work and eat.
For a week I am back to my hometown,
and everything is “foreign” to me, I really want to be back in
Munich as soon as possible. And I'm back to Munich, working and
barely having time to take a stroll along the city. In 2013 there's
aparently no summer, and the radiators are still on, it doesn't
matter if it's already June.
After all, what hurts more is the fact
that I am not integrated. I live in a bubble which no matter the
helpfulness and friendship of people cannot break, I live the city
only during small breaks I take from work, these chains are tight and
they hurt a lot.
Nevertheless I think that a period of
non integration (and fear of everlasting non integration) is a phase
that you have to get through. It just has to happen. I guess everyday
I'm going to integrate better, improving the language and using my
spare time for social and cultural aims.
Apart from this heavy non integration
stone, the story sounds perfect, and I really got what I wanted. Some
commitment, enthusiasm and will make it possible to change your own
life and reach your goals. I made it, and I ain't particularly a
genious, therefore I guess anyone can.
Cheers.
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